04 August 2007

Category: Romance and Relationships

A married male friend of mine sent me this joke via e-mail this evening. To my married, or long-term partner, friends out there, I hope your relationships haven't yet sunk to this level.

Be seeing you.

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping"? she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote".

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Of Tasers and Testicles
Category: Life

Just got this in an e-mail from a friend of mine.

No, I don't think it happened to him, as his wife ain't named Toni, and they've a dachshund named Mike, rather than a cat.

On the other hand, still funnier than all Hell.

Be seeing you.

Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
> (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a
> Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
> Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a
> something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to
>be short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
>is to
> allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
> to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>in two
> triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>disappointed. But
> then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
> a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
> darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was
> Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
>spot is
> on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this
>new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
>looking on
> intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
> moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
>if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
>burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
>of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
>to one
> side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
>from such a
> tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
> a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
> naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
> DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
>me up in
> the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
> over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
> position, and tingling in my legs.
> You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
> taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
> SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
>be sure,
> as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little
>wits I
> had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
>were on
> the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
>triceps, right
> thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
>had been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
> for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
> Still in shock,
>Your Friend

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