Of Tasers and Testicles

Just got this in an e-mail from a friend of mine.

No, I don't think it happened to him, as his wife ain't named Toni, and they've a dachshund named Mike, rather than a cat.

On the other hand, still funnier than all Hell.

Be seeing you.



Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
>
> (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a
>pocket
> Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
>
> Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a
>little
> something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
>100,000-volt
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to
>be short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
>is to
> allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
>retreat
> to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>in two
> triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>disappointed. But
> then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
>against
> a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
>electricity
> darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was
>working.
>
> Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
>spot is
> on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this
>new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
>triple-a
> batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
>looking on
> intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
>and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
>blood
> moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
>fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
>if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
>mugger,
> I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
>wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
>and
> taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
>shock
> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
>cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
>burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
>of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
>to one
> side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
>from such a
> tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
>myself
> a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
>my
> naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
>MASS
> DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
>me up in
> the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
>and
> over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
>position,
> with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
>testicles
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
>oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs.
>
> You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
>a
> taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
> SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
>be sure,
> as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little
>wits I
> had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
>were on
> the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
>triceps, right
> thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
>had been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
>looking
> for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
>return.
>
> Still in shock,
>Your Friend